Things That Make My Heart Sing

Things That Make My Heart Sing

by | Apr 4, 2021 | Everyday Magic

Some things in life are just right. Like friendships and family. Notebooks and really nice pens. Books, leaves, sea glass and interesting sticks. A library, a fireplace, window seats and lots of light.  The dream of having a life-size replica skeleton of a T-Rex in a house with room to accommodate it where I can admire it frequently throughout the day (and yes, I know where to order them from too). That and a collection of replica hominid and dinosaur skulls and fossils. They appeal to me on a level that I cannot even begin to explain. So I don’t even try to, what’s the point? I like them and if you don’t, well, it’s not my problem is it?

My home will be amazing with its garden filled with fruit bushes, vegetables, flowers, trees, and the collection of chickens, alpacas, cats, dogs, the odd goat, cow, and emu that I intend to have one day. 

I feel no need to explain any of it, to myself, or anyone else. These are things that make my heart sing. 

But there are things in life that I do question and over-analyse. Like work, writing, relationships. They’re a minefield of confusion. Every step I take takes me further into figuring out why, what’s happening, where will it go, what does this mean? 

The need to know and to understand can be overwhelming and it really can suck all of the fun out of things too. 

The endless questions… Why do I like this? Should I like this? What does it say about me? What’s wrong with me for wanting, for liking this? And how do they feel? Are they like this about me? What if I don’t make sense to them? Can I do this? Is it right? Is it ok to want this? What’s going to happen? Will I be ok? What if I’m not ok? 

They send me running back to safety, to what I know, where I feel trapped and small. 

I get it. I can see the insecurity and anxiety driving it all, it’s clear, but knowing what’s going on isn’t the same as stopping it. Because really, I’m tired of living this way. As I said, it sucks the fun out of it all. 

Then I remember the notebooks as I start a new one, I’m already writing in another 2 or 3, maybe 4 even. I look for a pen and make a mental note to buy more that write smoothly and evenly. A friend tells me about a place that sells prehistoric artifacts and I lose myself in it for an hour while excitedly discovering that I can get an Australopithecus replica skull for £270. Bargain. I walk next to the sea and I smile as I hear her whispering to me, tempting me into her depths. I walk along the track and among the trees and I breathe in the warmth, the scents of the flowers and green as nature pulls me home. 

The questions, pulling me away from what I want, from what makes sense in an inexplicable way. I think I can start ignoring them now, it’s the questions that don’t make sense, not me. 

 

Photo by Jared Lisack on Unsplash

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I Don’t Want A Love Like This

I Don’t Want A Love Like This

by | Nov 24, 2020 | Everyday Magic, Relationships

‘I don’t want a love like this’ said my friend, explaining what she’d said to her partner.

‘I don’t want a love like this’. That phrase bounced around my mind, like a ball in a pinball machine. ‘I don’t want a love like this’.

Oh. I thought about the person I was loosely involved with. Loosely because I had absolutely no idea where I stood with him or what he though about me. He couldn’t tell me, literally couldn’t say the words.

I liked him, I loved being around him, I loved his body next to mine. I loved the feel of him, his playfulness, his smile, his energy made me tingle. Maybe I more than liked him.

But…. I didn’t want a love like this.

I’ve had love like this many times and I know how it ends. It ends. It always ends. And I’m tired of endings. I want a beginning.

I don’t want a love like this. I can’t do anything with it. This love stays locked up and no matter how much love I pour into it, it’s never enough and I can’t sustain us both. You don’t need my love, you need yours, you need to feel your love. You need to let your love out, it’s your gift to you and the world, to me.

I want a love that holds me, that laughs with me, that’s silly and playful. A love that’s passionate and sexy and knows what it wants and that includes me.

I want a love that grows, not shuts down and leaves me outside, waiting.

I want a love that creates and builds and sustains both of us, all of us.

A love that goes out into the world, not that’s locked inside another’s heart.

A love to join mine.

Photo by Jiroe on Unsplash

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I Am Not Enjoying My Life

I Am Not Enjoying My Life

by | Nov 24, 2020 | Everyday Magic

I’m not enjoying my life.

That’s what came to me the other day, as I was walking Ellie-dog. I’d felt flat for a few days. It hadn’t been that long since I’d felt stressed beyond belief and before that I’d felt happy. What was interesting was that I didn’t feel that there was anything to do about the statement. It was just stating what I was feeling. I didn’t feel the need to think happy thoughts, be grateful, count my blessings, fake it until I felt it, lie about it, deny it, argue it, think of compelling reasons why that was the case. I just felt and thought it. That was it.

A while back I saw life as meaningless, or rather devoid of meaning, until we liberally applied it ourselves. We really do like looking for meaning don’t we. This time I saw emotions as meaningless, or rather devoid of meaning. Feeling flat is just that, until I make it into something. The same with feeling happy, sad, stressed, whatever. It’s emotion that we’re feeling, until we turn it into something else. Why bother? It’s only going to change anyway?

I noticed the flat feeling and I noticed how having that feeling changed how I viewed my life. Flat feeling =  flat life.  I went home with Ellie-dog and knocked on the door. There greeting me were my gorgeous girls and all of the cats. I smiled, even though I was feeling flat, I knew that this was perfection itself. Our peculiar little family, bound together in love and oddness and familiarity. I sat on the sofa with the girls and as Coral pulled Ellie-dog onto her knee, we all had a big cuddle. ‘A couple of alpacas would fit perfectly in with us’ I said, ‘in a bigger house’.

 

 

 

Photo by Timothy Eberly on Unsplash

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