Somewhere along the line, I lost myself. I forgot what lit up my soul, what brought meaning to my life. I forgot that I could have adventures and I could try out new things, every day if I wanted to.
My world became smaller. My time compressed, my creativity stifled. My days blended into one another. I was tired, so very tired.
I still am sometimes.
My turning point came when I realised that I had a choice. That choice was to become the person he wanted me to be and lose myself completely in the process or…. I could choose me.
I chose me.
In that split second, my life changed. And it keeps on changing. It changes every time I choose me. I’m still learning, of course. It doesn’t take quite as long for me to choose, it can still be very uncomfortable at times.
If there is a choice between doing something to keep a person happy, but in the process it will be detrimental to me, I won’t choose them.
It’s the flip side to people-pleasing that I’ve always feared. Because when I choose me, it causes pain to the person that I’ve chosen not to please.
Or rather, people can feel pain when I choose me, rather than them. That’s a better way of looking at it.
The thing is, when I don’t go all out to keep people happy I can feel terribly guilty and responsible for the people I’ve made unhappy.
That’s how I see it, in that moment. And in that moment I can’t see that I’m still untangling myself from old patterns of behaviour, years of conditioning.
The scathing voice of guilt that I hear doesn’t know that I’ve freed both me and the other. By saying ‘no’, I’ve stepped away from the dance that would have depended on me being put in a role that I don’t want to be in, and for the other to keep me there. A dance that, if you think about it, no one really wants to be part of.
In the moment, always in the moment, it’s important to remember that. The way we see things will change when our emotions settle. Afterwards, with a bit of time and space, when the guilt has cleared, we can see it for what it is.
The mountain is barely a molehill.
Why I said ‘no’ makes sense.
The emotions felt weren’t in proportion to what was going on.
The choice I made was right for me.
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