One of the turning points, in my recovery from PTSD came in the form of a line in Jamie Smart’s book, Clarity. Now, I’m not entirely sure if this is what he said exactly, but it was something like ‘if it hurts, you can leave it alone’. It made sense instantly. I breathed a sigh of relief. It was as though a huge weight had been taken from me,
I stopped researching PTSD, I stopped trying to find answers for it, I stopped trying to find groups that could help me, I stopped reading or watching anything whatsoever that triggered me. There was so much that hurt me, I stopped what I could and did things that were softer, easier, fun even. I took up photography and began to focus on the beauty of life.
It didn’t make everything go away by any means, but I stopped adding to it.
All of the times I’d get caught up in trying to figure out why things had happened, why I was so messed up, what could I do about it, when were things going to get better, why wasn’t anything working? All it did was prolong the pain. The more I tried to figure things out, the more I hurt, the more I hurt the more down on myself I was because I couldn’t figure it out. This endless cycle caused more and more needless suffering.
A while later, I looked back and saw a different meaning in the writing. This time I saw that I could leave my thinking alone. If my thoughts started to swirl darker and darker, then I didn’t have to go there, There were times when I recognised that they were painful and I could leave them alone. So I did that.
Even later, when I looked back I saw it differently again, I could have those thoughts, they were considerably less painful, but still unpleasant, but I didn’t need to engage with them. I could let them pass. I could feel the pain and discomfort that they brought with them, because I knew they were passing emotions.
When you find something that makes sense to you, you’ve heard something important, something that’s right for you at this time. You might not understand what it is or why and it could well change over time. That’s all fine.
For me, I really needed a break from everything PTSD related, my mind needed a break from the endless searching and from the near constant emotional pain and discomfort that I was feeling and that I was innocently causing myself.
In the same way that we would leave a physical injury to heal, we need to let our minds rest.
It can feel that we need to keep the memories alive, that they are important. It can seem as though more searching will help us to find the answer to take the pain away. It can feel counter-intuitive to let it rest and to give your attention to another part of your life, one that’s easier, but I promise you it will help.
Pain, whether it is physical or emotional, is a signal to warn you of something that isn’t right. Emotional pain is a big red stop sign asking you to keep away from it. Take notice, let it be, please.
Photo by Dmitry Grigoriev on Unsplash